COMMANDS12 (Conflict): Goodbook 04-29-14

One of our challenges for 2014 is to learn and live all 50 commands of Jesus.  Jesus told us that following his commandments is a way to love him and a way for his love and his joy to fill our lives (John 15:9-12).  In his Great Commission, Jesus tells his followers to make disciples of all nations, teaching them to obey everything he commanded us (Matthew 28:19-20).  So each week in this year we are learning and living one command of Jesus.  Here is our command for this week...

Week 12:

"If a brother or sister sins (or sins against you), go and point out the fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector … For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them," (Matthew 18:15-17, 20).

Application:

Conflict.  Who hasn’t experienced it?  It’s not fun.  It’s never easy.  But there are helpful ways of handling it.  In this command, Jesus outlines how we are to deal with conflict in a Christ-honoring way.  The basic summary is this: if you have a problem with someone, go and speak to them directly about it. 

Jesus’ instruction differs from how most people handle conflict.  We often do not talk to the person we are having a problem with.  We shut down, withdraw, stuff, cut off, stew.  Worse, we talk with others about the person we are having a problem with.  Psychologists call this “triangulation.”  It’s a term used to describe a situation in which one family member will not communicate directly with another family member but will communicate with a third family member, which can lead to the third family member becoming part of the triangle.  These approaches are not helpful and are not healthy.  Even if you operate like this, deep down you know that dealing with conflict in this way only makes the problem worse and hinders the possibility of true restoration and true community.

That’s what Jesus is really after.  He said, “Wherever two or three come together in my name, there I am with them.”  Jesus chooses to be present in Christian community.  The Church is referred to as the body of Christ with Christ as the head.  When we come together in Christian love and unity, there is opportunity for the presence of Christ to be experienced and shared.  When we separate and divide, we sever the body of Christ and destroy the fellowship of the Holy Spirit.

The best way to handle conflict, Jesus said, is to speak directly with the person you are having a problem with.  I don’t think Jesus meant to go tell them off.  We are encouraged to “speak the truth in love,” (Ephesians 4:15).  What he did mean is to communicate clearly and openly with the person you are having a problem with.  Describe the heart of the issue.  Describe how it makes you feel.  Describe what you would like to see happen.  Describe what you are willing to do to make the situation better.  Then listen.  Let them share their side.  Seek to understand where they are coming from.  Seek to understand their feelings and their desires.  With all that out on the floor, you can work together on a resolution.

Notice that Jesus doesn’t give any loopholes.  He doesn’t say, “If it’s not your fault, than you are off the hook.”  Nor does he say, “If they wronged you, then wait for them to make the first move.”  He says, “If someone sins (or sins against you), go to them.”  If we have a problem with a person, it’s on us to seek resolution, whether we think it was our fault or not.

Jesus is not unrealistic.  He recognizes that not everyone will listen or be willing to dialogue.  If that happens, Jesus said to bring someone along with you and talk directly with that person.  Preferably this is someone who loves Jesus, loves both of you, and wants to see healing and reconciliation.  If that doesn’t work, keep bringing more people along with you.  Have others from your faith community join the conversation with you.  The common denominator is that you always speak directly to the person.

Still, Jesus understands that this may not always work.  The apostle Paul said, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone,” (Romans 12:18).  Sometimes peace is not possible because the other person is unwilling to work on the relationship.  Sometimes peace is not possible because the other person is abusive or violent.  But our call is to do everything possible on our end to work for peace.

“If they still refuse to listen,” Jesus concludes, “then treat them like a pagan or tax collector.”  It may sound like he’s saying to write them off, but think about how Jesus treated pagans and tax collectors.  He reached out to them.  He asked to eat with them.  He spent time with them.  He loved them.  He offered them grace.  He invited them to be a part of his community of faith.  Even if we have done everything possible and still cannot reconcile with a person, being a follower of Christ demands we have this type of posture towards the person.  For that’s the posture Jesus has towards us even when we have wronged him and do not deserve his favor.

Is there conflict in your life?  Who do you need to speak to directly?  How can you do everything possible to live at peace with everyone?

Share your comments and application ideas…